Odes to the Things I Can No Longer Enjoy on My Damned Diet
Humorist Colin Nissan on saying goodbye to his favorite foods
"Good bye, French fries Au revoir, hot and salty sticks of joy. While some may think you are a mere sidekick to greasy fast food burgers everywhere, I know the truth. You’ve fancied yourself up for steakhouses and disguised yourself has...
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Goodbye, up-for-grabs office doughnut
Well, this is awkward, isn’t it? Another time, I would have walked right up and jammed you into my mouth—whole, if no one was watching. But today I must keep my distance for fear that a wisp of your powdered sugar will rise up to my nose like pixie dust and end this diet as quickly as it started. Do I want to live in a world where adorable fried confections are bad for you? No, I don’t. Do I want to get rid of my lunch-lady arms? I really do.
Goodbye, whipped-cream-topped coffee drinks
A coffee drink, a sundae and an angel had a baby together, and that baby is you. Sadly my days of slurping your 50-calorie-a-straw loads of frothy mirth have ended. No longer will I enjoy the seven-minute burst of productivity that you so generously provided. Was your liberal topping of whipped cream and caramel drizzle a bit much? Sure it was. But I didn’t drink you for subtlety, I drank you because you made me truly happy. For seven wonderful minutes.
Goodbye, sandwich with mozzarella sticks in it
A triumph of gastronomy. A failure of humanity. You know very well that mozzarella sticks are a stand-alone appetizer, yet you violated societal taboo and turned an innocent sandwich into a delicious killing machine. You may be the bad boy of the hoagie community, but I don’t have the stomach for bad boys anymore, only for decent, god-fearing sandwiches with regulation ingredients.