Odes to the Things I Can No Longer Enjoy on My Damned Diet

By Colin Nissan, "Odes to the things I can no longer enjoy on my damned diet," January/February 2011

Humorist Colin Nissan on saying goodbye to his favorite foods

"Good bye, French fries Au revoir, hot and salty sticks of joy. While some may think you are a mere sidekick to greasy fast food burgers everywhere, I know the truth. You’ve fancied yourself up for steakhouses and disguised yourself has...

Goodbye, nachos
Adios, mi amigo. Sadly, my passport has been revoked, and I will no longer be crossing the border to ascend your glorious sour-cream-crested alp of saturated fats. It appears my tongue has taken its last whack at your piñata of piquant booty. But I must leave you with this, never in my life have 17 ingredients been presented with such chaos, yet had such a calming effect on my palate. I will miss you dearly.

Goodbye, full-fat ice cream
Ice cream, you are my Tin Man. I will miss you most of all. I may be able to fool my eyes with low fat and fro-yo, but I will never fool my heart, or my taste buds—they know deceit when it crosses their path. Your rich, frozen pints have successfully numbed countless troubles in my life, and I thank you for that. Unfortunately, you are also responsible for the satellite ass that seems to have formed on my original one.

Colin Nissan writes TV commercials, humor essays for places like McSweeney’s, and books. OK, one book. Don’t Be That Guy came out last year. Find him at or follow him @cnissan.

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