Odes to the Things I Can No Longer Enjoy on My Damned Diet

By Colin Nissan, "Odes to the things I can no longer enjoy on my damned diet," January/February 2011

Humorist Colin Nissan on saying goodbye to his favorite foods

"Good bye, French fries Au revoir, hot and salty sticks of joy. While some may think you are a mere sidekick to greasy fast food burgers everywhere, I know the truth. You’ve fancied yourself up for steakhouses and disguised yourself has...

Goodbye, microwaveable noodles in a cup
It took a mere 60 seconds for you to transport me to the Orient, and just 60 more for my face to swell to twice its size from sodium bloat. You’ve managed to stuff nine ingredients into your little Styrofoam cup that start with the letter X. And that’s eight too many for the new me.

Goodbye, gas-station soda that’s too big for my cup holder

Did I ever stand a chance of consuming this much liquid? Of course not. But that’s not the point, the point is that you’re only 19 cents more than the medium. You were a hell of a copilot all these years, dispensing a bottomless dose of uppers into my bloodstream, like a carbonated IV drip. Unfortunately, you’re no longer the only thing in my car that’s round and wide and sweaty.

Goodbye, mysterious vending-machine baked good
I will never forget your number, E5, but I must forget you. I must forget the throat-burning sweetness of your frosting, and the faded mystery of your expiration date. While I may still stop by your machine on occasion, it will be only to press my hand against the glass in a gesture of longing. If you had a hand, I know you’d do the same.

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